Time is scary but sweet too.

The Backstreet Boys songs playing in the background. The ' Time' song just ended.

Listening to old songs brings back old memories. How time flies when I remember siting by the table listening to this track while studying hard for an exam. I was 18 years old. That moment I hold many dreams in my heart.
The naive heart thought about the possibilities in life. The wish to study in overseas, the wish to live in a ship, the wish to find someone and build a home with, the wish to get a degree and so on. There were also fears in my heart and the strongest one was the fearful realization of my parent's death.

Now, as I am sitting in a dimmed room writing away and I can easily just comment about where I am. Since the day my mother left, there seem to be more days like this where I just woke up in the middle of night and find life is difficult to go through. Writing like this keeps me calm and at peace.

Life is difficult because the one used to be the biggest motivation and the reason to live is not here anymore. Life gets more lonelier when there is no one to share my difficulties with.

I tell myself it is all right. Things will be become better. It may not be now but definitely I can be friend with my feelings now. I am tired of denying it. I will make the best of it. I am not weird or strange for going through this time alone. God is here with me. I believe He is teaching me to learn to love myself more and also draw closer to Him in this season.

It is not easy but I will try to think that way. I cannot deny that how much I wish someone was here with me. But... this season just like the cold winter will soon come to pass and I anticipate the spring of life. There will be new hope again. The dreams that long hidden or dormant will awaken again. 

I may not be married or have a home with someone. One thing I know that I am able and is overcoming the biggest fear in my life , not alone but in God's strength. 

10 years have past in just a flash. Come to think about the length of time - it is good time. Praise the Lord!

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